(“warum” is the word for “why” in German)
So many things have happened in the last few years that I didn’t expect to happen or had been ignorant about. That stomped upon my world-view busted the bubble, and most importantly broke my heart.
There’s an eerie horror in the fact that I am here: safe and sound, living a pretty cushy life, especially if looked at from a global perspective and what the last years did to me on an internal level. And yes, part of that is acknowledging that I am not even able to get close to fathom the horror people have experienced and are still experiencing. But honestly, with a bit of empathy, it’s almost unbearable already – yet here I sit and all I do is write acknowledging the pain in my heart. It’s not about you white woman a voice in my head says – true, but this is also my blog, and my life so here it’s all about me.
I discuss, march and donate too but what is enough? Is anything ever enough as long as there’s such suffering in the world? Violence, terror, horror, oppression, exploitation?
I have been thinking a lot about Ukraine, Palestine, Israel and Iran, about refugees in general, I wrote about Zhina Mahsa Amani, about helping in the Kleiderkammer. I wrote about racism, mine and what I witnessed in the world around me, I wrote about feminism and abuse. Many articles aren’t published yet, some aren’t even written. Last night I dreamt about writing one about war.
Horror happens faster than I can formulate clear thoughts to publish in my blog. To even start properly processing what has happened, let alone hope to get some clarity and context that doesn’t fully distort what has happened.
So I sit and I hurt.
There are many people to mourn.
There’s so much pain, so much suffering.
And even I feel the pain, the hurt, the despair, the hopelessness but also the anger and the rage.
And I wonder what to do.
And I wonder what would help.
All this horror, injustice, pain, fear, death, and uncertainty — no matter how far away, is felt by all of us — it touches us as we see our fellow humans suffer, whether we admit it or not.
The pain we feel as we see other people’s pain makes us afraid — even when we are safe. Their pain shows us a reality, a possibility that we can otherwise so easily ignore. We hide behind walls, weapons, rules, reasons, and borders. We hide our humanity by denying others theirs.
Pushing these feelings away also denies us our human experience — the pleasant and the unpleasant ones alike.
Denying ourselves the joy, laughter, awe, and the moments we feel safe, seen, and loved won’t alleviate the suffering either. By allowing the good moments in and savouring them, we make space to be with the pain in the world.
Where do we end when we shut down, disconnect, and do not see each other as humans any more?
We’ve been there. History can tell.
Many times anger and rage are rooted in pain, which is rooted in care.
Each moment we are left with a choice.
Do I stick with the anger and rage and let it turn into blind hate lashing out for revenge, or do I burn with anger out of care?
Do we lash out in fear, anger, or hate?
Do we care and reach out to help?
Do we shut down and ignore each other?
Do we see each other, acknowledging each other’s humanity?
Does our pain and suffering create more pain and suffering?
Does our pain and suffering fuel our efforts to ease the pain and suffering around us?
Do our hearts turn to stone as we deny ourselves and others emotions and connection?
Are our hearts open to the pain, the unknown, the fear and also the smiles, the joy, laughter, and gratitude?
What do I allow myself to see and feel when I am looking at you?
What do you allow yourself to see and feel when you are looking at me?
What do I see when I look at you?
What do you see when you look at me?
Original post 24.12.2023
Minor edit 02.07.2024